Lil' Miss Evil isn't talking to me. This happens sometimes, but this feels like a particularly bad one. Now I don't know what's happening, I'm scared and confused.
I could describe the particular issues involved, but I'm not sure they would help your understanding of the situation, and have no desire to prove myself right. I have made mistakes, I regret, I am changing. And if these things made any difference I would repeat them a thousand times over. But this doesn't seem to be about the issues anymore.
She has a style of arguing I am still trying to understand. Things build up, points that at some times are almost irrelevant to her, will, at other times, crush the figurative camel, and I discover problems that have been lurking for weeks in the dark. I think I disagree with this way of doing things, but, once again, that doesn't help me in any way, shape or form.
I truly love her, so deep it almost scares me. The good times are really good, but the bad times are really bad. And I know that every relationship has some darkness, some bad years, I just wish I could see the light ahead.
So I've tried everything I know how to do to fix the situation, and now I have to give her space, which is something I'm really bad at.
I went to work today and pretended I'm a functional human being. I'm a big believer in the virtue of occasional psychological compartmentalisation
, but today was really hard. It's days like this that I really hate working in customer service. I feel like I have to wear a brittle shell of joy so I can interact with the customers, when inside I just want to kneel down and scream and scream and scream and cry. I was just glad I didn't have a register, I got to spend the day cleaning. Cleaning is satisfying, I get to spend eight hours scrubbing and wiping and sanitising, and end the day physically exhausted, without having to think or feel at all.
There was a clown at the airport today. Making balloon animals and handing out lollipops. Now, I love clowns. But today I could only think of the great clown that Lil' Miss Evil organised for my birthday. She can be so thoughtful and caring. God, I love her so much.
Whatever happens, I'm glad of the love.
I'm going to stop now, before I start feeling the pain again. LJ: Ω KA: Α B : Ω M : Α T : Α E : Α